50th Anniversary
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Some people only think of the word gold as it pertains to “money” or “a medal in the Olympics” but a more binding meaning is “a long term lasting relationship of 50 years”. In June of 2005, we went to my 50th Dartmouth College Reunion and I was shocked that I was surrounded by all these old people (until my wife made me look in the mirror as a reality check). We met some new friends (people and couples that I had not know in my undergraduate days) who are now good email friends with divergent yet similar ideas and concerns. Recently, my college roommate and his wife came to our home in Texas, discussing 50th wedding anniversaries into a night of looking forward (theirs was in late summer 2005). After that my wife’s sister and her husband came and we continue the dialogue since theirs will be on Saint Patrick’s Day in 2006. Ours will be in January of 2007. Therefore I thought that it was time to sum up some ideas of a “lasting relationship”, some hints on making it work and some concerns about organizing a “reunion party”. The first thing that must be done is live that long (that means you and your spouse, your classmates and friends). Of course, this is a combination of pure luck (what your parents passed on to you when you were conceived), some sensible living, life style and “pig-headedness” (refusing to go into “that good night”). It does not take a genius to know that overweigh can kill you, as can cigarettes, stress and unprepared sex with a stranger. Some common sense can give you more years to use (like slowing down in a car when the roads are hazardous). Luck comes to those who are prepared (after the initial birth). As Mrs. Gandhi observed, “Luck is the cards that you are dealt; skill is how you play them.” The second thing that helps a long-lasting relationship is a sense of humor. That is, you must learn to laugh at situations and yourself. Some humor when mixed with strong feelings and opinions can change the climate of an argument and can help a couple go to bed together in the best way (the mind and spirit). “Honey, you remember that time that I… We smiled about that later. Isn’t that memory sometime we can use now?” The third thing that I have learned over the years is forget all the holidays. Of course, you give a present on that public day as reminder of your love. But constantly remind yourself everyday is a holiday to celebrate a wedding anniversary. When asked, I have told young couples that one of my secret to a good marriage is never forgetting that candy cannot replace warming her side of the bed on a cold night before she gets in. It is never inappropriate to say, “I love you,” when you are leaving to go to the store (or anyplace) and to say those words before going to sleep together at night and getting up in the morning. Of course, mean what you say. Someplace in a disagreement, those words puts the momentary into perspective to the lasting goal of marriage (to stay together through “better or worse”). The fourth image that emerges through time is that couples who grow together stay together. We have always told our friends that we were “single individuals who decided at the offset that two is better than one and have worked to make that so”. One partner (and it is a partnership) must help the other to fulfill their dreams. Marriage is a shifting 60-40 percentage (or whatever percentage suits that marriage). A major idea that keeps a marriage growing is that “nouns” are not important, but “verbs” are. Objects can be given up but processes should be fought for until they can be replace by some way of living that is better. As a parting set of suggestions, let us move to the 50th anniversary party. Invite your friends (but tell them that this is not a wake and joy with laugher is an important invitee). Organize the party like you organized the wedding ceremony. But most important, “Never be the one to organize the party!” Delegate that job outside the marriage. |
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